One of my goals for 2021 is to write a short piece nearly every day. Maybe two or three days a week to start. We’ll see how it goes.
At any rate, I decided I’d use this old thing as the basis for it. (Apologies if I haven’t updated it for being screen-reader friendly yet. I’ll try to do that soon if I haven’t already by the time you read this.) The premise is that the unnamed main character has gotten an internship at Mother Nature, Inc. which is basically the premier corporation for…well, the existence of everything in general. From running linear time to hanging clouds, Mother Nature, Inc. is the corporation other planes of reality strive to be.
Except…it’s a corporate environment. If you’ve ever worked corporate, you know things are likely to be fucked beyond all reason. Need a paperclip? Be sure to fill that request out in triplicate. And only on Tuesdays. While doing the Hokey Pokey with a one-legged donkey.
And so, our intrepid main character with what turns out to be kind of a shitty internship is keeping a journal on their experiences.
I don’t have a schedule for this yet, but as mentioned above, I’m hoping for multiple times per week.
December 31, 2020
I started my internship at Mother Nature, Inc today. The only problem is that today has lasted far longer than it should have. Literally. It’s complicated.
The interns were told to arrive at 22:00, which would give us time to greet the new year before we began our onboarding process (because, of course, there are no holidays that stop business at Mother Nature, Inc). When it was 23:30, the VP of Operations came out to speak to all of us.
“As you may have read in the most recent article on us in 42 Weekly,” they started, pretentiously referencing the most influential industry journal available for what we did, “this year has had its issues.”
No, really? I wasn’t sure if they thought the interns were oblivious or stupid, but it wasn’t flattering either way. I already didn’t like them.
“But despite some of the challenges we’ve faced, our Department of Linear Time is now fully operational again. So enjoy the next half hour. Once 2021 is underway, we’ll send you to your starting departments and have you fill out paperwork and watch the required training videos.”
We’d spent the next half-hour in that large conference room, mingling and watching the countdown clock tick away the few remaining minutes. When 23:59 hit, those of us in the room began to chant the countdown.
Except the countdown clock stopped at 00:01, leaving all of us letting out a very awkward “HAPPY– hey what the hell?” And then it didn’t move again.
After what I assume was only a few minutes (but that’s impossible to confirm, given that linear time had ceased moving — again), the VP took to the podium once more, looking slightly less pompous than the last time they’d faced us. “Well then,” they said after clearing their throat. “I will need each of you to report to the Department of Linear Time now. Your onboarding process will have to wait.”
I can’t tell you how long we’ve been here, trying to make the clocks move, but I can tell you that this isn’t at all how I pictured the leading corporation of the existence of all things to run. Also, I’d really like it if someone would bring me some lunch, but it’s still 23:59.